Mobile phones are a boon to humanity! A shining beacon of technological progress! Zeitgeist-surfing icons of 21st-century lifestyle! And stuff. But they can also cause you grief. See, the average handset isn't just capable of making your life easier - it can ruin it too. How? Let me count the ways:
1. Your filthy bedroom camphone snaps find an audience they weren't intended for. Whether this audience is your cuckolded wife/husband, or the entire readership of the News Of The World, depends on your level of fame.
2. Your Nokia N95's GPS leads you nearly all the way to your destination, but the phone's battery conks out just as you reach Birmingham's famous spaghetti junction. Good luck with that.
3. Be warned, turning up 20 minutes late to a job interview because Tower Bloxx made you miss your tube stop is never an acceptable excuse. Even if you did beat your high score.
4. Having sagged off work via voicemail, you head off to the golf course. Only for your boss to remember they have a 3G phone, and videocall you…
5. Booze. Your recent Ex. Text Messages. Nuff said.
6. The Kids, trying to cheat using your phone in a history exam is always bound to end in tears. You'll get caught thumbing your way through the 136 text messages sent by your mate in answer to 'What were the root causes of the failure of the Weimar Republic, and is it fair to say it was doomed from the start?'
7. You would think people would remember to set their phone to Silent when hiding in a cupboard at their lover's house after their spouse returns home by surprise. But do they? Of course not!
8. The same is true of cack-handed spies crouching in air vents while hiding from unsuspecting henchmen milling about in the room below. Tsk.
9. Taking your iPhone abroad without turning off every conceivable data setting, and sticking a post-it on the screen saying 'DON'T SURF THE INTERNETWEB'. Hello, supersized roaming bill.
10. Letting your pub-mates record a ringtone for you - 'OI, SMITHY! YOU C***!' - the night before going to your nan's for afternoon tea. They know exactly what they're doing.
11. Also, The Kids, you think that Happy Slap video is going to stay within your social circle, but it's actually going to end up on YouTube, Facebook AND on the handsets of at least three local police officers. And it's the one where your friends can be clearly heard shouting 'Hit him, Dave Brown from 13 Nursery Avenue, nobody'll catch you!'
12. It's a fact of life that whenever your phone chooses to arbitrarily call someone from your pocket, it'll be the person you're slagging off loudly RIGHT NOW.
13. You, an ill-advisedly on-display iPhone, and a big bloke with a knife? It must be mugging o'clock! And telling him that he should wait a couple of months because a 3G version's coming out probably won't help.
14. Downloading anything involving Schnuffel Bunny to your handset is, in fact, an imprisonable crime. And if it isn't, it should be.
15. Calling your wife to tell her you love her is usually a good idea. But not when you're horrendously drunk, naked and lying in a Soho gutter at 3am. Again.
16. Leaving your Bluetooth on is an invitation for Bluejacking terrorists to send a virus to your phone that'll make it wipe the memory of everyone in your address book's phones, before exploding yours. Really.
17. Another Law Of Mobile: when you text the wrong person by mistake, it'll never be an innocuous message.
18. Playing MP3s at loud volume on the bus through your phone's speaker is anti-social, and invites opprobrium from everyone around you. Mainly because you're 36 years old, the MP3s are by Scorpion, and the kids on the back seat have much better tunes.
19. Nowadays, the merest glance at a BlackBerry is enough to get you banned from any Pub Quiz worth its salt…
20. Watching too much mobile TV will actually make you go blind. And if it's adult mobile TV, you'll be doubly blind. At least you won't be able to see the revulsion on the face of the old lady sitting next to you on the train.
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